Fun with the Portal Gun
by penguinfighter-d-chan
Summary: A love letter to Valve's Portal...minus the psychopathic computer. Shawn and Gus find a most peculiar object and find it to be the greatest gift known to mankind...until they decided to use it. Light Shassie further on. Nothing is mine
1. Findings

A/N: I was on something at 1:30 am on Friday when I wrote this and I do not apologize for it. It's a short three-parter with promise; _Psych_ (C) USA, _Portal _(C) Valve. Reviews are welcome!

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Part I- Findings

Shawn Spencer wasn't a man of science, unlike his best friend Burton 'Gus' Guster...unless it were the science of false statements. But one day, as they walked out of the local Jamba Juice, he felt a blunt object land on his head and knocked him out. "Pretty light…" the pseudo-psychic mumbled nonsensically as his friend went to get help. Meanwhile, Shawn reached out for the object that caused his brief bout of unconsciousness and grabbed it. The thing looked straight out of a video game; it was a white gun that had two glowing tubes and spider legs.

"Shawn! Are you okay?!" Gus rushed to his side. "Peachy I guess…what is this thing?" The younger Spencer asked as he fiddled with the controls. A sudden orange blast landed against a nearby alley wall and remained there, glowing ominously. The weird gun flashed blue as the two friends examined the object. "Hmm, it's not a laser or this building would've collapsed into rubble…and it's not a bomb for equal reasons…" Shawn wondered out loud. "Whatever it is, it's probably a government secret so let's just…" Gus' advice went unheeded as Shawn blasted the blue laser to the opposite wall.

"Weird, this thing makes mirrors for no good reason or-" the fake psychic continued asking himself before he recklessly inserted his hand into the orange hole. Suddenly, the pharm rep felt a hand his back, startling him to no end. It took Shawn less than a second to figure out what the skies had bestowed on him and as a result, he fell to his knees and clapped his hands together. "Thank you God in Heaven for this extraordinary gift and I solemnly swear to use it as I see fit!"

"Shawn, what are you talking about?" Gus asked, further questioning his friend's sanity. "This thing makes _portals_! Portals that _WE_ can use! Do you see the endless sea of possibilities?!" Spencer hopped on his feet to accentuate his idea. "You'd never have to be late to your day job; just place a conveniently placed portal in your office and one at Psych and voila!"

"For all we know, we could've stumbled into Chernobyl-in-a-box! And how do we know it's safe?" Guster argued although tempted as such a feat. Shawn searched around and found a "No risk of radiation poisoning due to continued usage" message. "Gus…the world is OURS!" Shawn stated with a mischievous grin on face; this was going to be fun.

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At Psych, the two managed to hide their find long enough to figure out how to test it. "Ok, first test, the fridge." The fake psychic stated while opening the refrigerator door. "Firing orange portal!" Gus called out from their desks as he aimed and fired. The pharm rep then switched with his friend as he shot the blue portal. The experiment was a success as Shawn was able to retrieve a slice of pineapple pie from his desk and eat it. "We have cake…"

The next test was slightly more violent as Gus decided to check out if the law of momentum held up between them. The two friends set up a ladder and half a box of eggs (Gus suggested they used a pineapple but Shawn wouldn't hear any of it). "Firing portals! Man that sounds so awesome!" Shawn exclaimed as he shot the blue portal on the roof and the orange one on an X Gus had placed on the floor. "Egg #1 is off!" the sales representative noted as he dropped the egg. What did they learn from this test, you may be asking? That if an egg is placed in an endless loop along with gravity, said egg can and will reach terminal velocity.

After a few minutes, Gus commented, "That egg is travelling faster than a bullet!" "Well then, let's see how much damage could Humpty Dumpty can cause, shall we?" Shawn added as he fired the blue portal against the leftmost wall of the establishment at the exact moment. The egg disappeared from the floor, flew past the two idiots and struck the right wall with such force that the target wood plank broke. Shawn peeked inside the hole while Gus took away the gun. "I don't trust you with this alone." "Wise choice…speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out, I guess."

The final test was by Shawn's choosing and he chose the test subject: his father's house. The fake psychic shot the orange portal over at Psych. "Ok, now to dear ol' Pop's place, on the double Gus!" After driving to Henry Spencer's home, Shawn fired the blue portal into his shed and closed it for good measure. The two drove back to the detective agency and the younger Spencer prepared to cross the distance. "Wish me luck, Gussie!" Shawn exclaimed before jumping right in. Long story short, Shawn found himself doing his Victory dance in his father's tool shed.

"All right, this thing apparently has rules: one, no more than two portals can exist so we have to use them wisely," Gus hypothesized while Shawn rolled his eyes. "The second one, laws of physics still exist between the portals so if we were to use the thing to escape certain, aim right." Bored of those rules, Shawn stepped in and said, "Third rule, whenever we use this thing, we have to say the following swear…" "And what swear is that?" Guster inquired with intrigue. "That we solemnly swear we are up to no good." "You ripped that from the third _Harry Potter_ book." "I know but it so fits the occasion…"


	2. Have Your Cake

A/N: I wrote this to take a break from _Poker Face_ and tried something a little more random and stupid. Here we see Shawn take full advantage at such a powerful device...GLaDOS must be pissed out of her damn cybermind... Disclaimer, nothing her belongs to me...Reviews are welcome!  


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Part II- Have Your Cake

"Quick, Gus; are there any cases over at the precinct?" Shawn asked as he shot a couple of random blue portals and going through them, landing either on his feet or his ass. "Not at the moment and gimme that! We still don't know if this thing ever runs out of power and if it does, how do we charge it back up?" Gus scolded while taking the Portal gun away from the fake psychic. "If all else fails, we have a stockpile of AA Batteries."

The phone could not have rung in a more opportune moment as Shawn swooped in to answer it. "Psych Detective Agency!" Chief Vick was slightly surprised at the chipper tone the younger Spencer had responded but brushed it off. "Mr. Spencer, your cooperation is needed over at the police department." "We'll be there in an instant," Shawn replied before hanging up and dragging Gus to a nearby closet. "Shawn, the car is parked outside…" Gus corrected while pointing at his blue Toyota Echo Hatchback. "I know," the pseudo-psychic said just shooting a blue portal and pushing his friend inside.

"Shawn, what the hell?!" Gus yelled over at the other side when he noticed a peculiar fact: this wasn't the agency's utilities closet (the ammunition and assorted weapons gave it away). "You made me walk from my dad's place so I took a small detour to Santa Barbara's Finest," Shawn explained nonchalantly as he went through the same opening. "Now let's walk like we own the place." "But the other portal?!" "Gus, just because we've discovered interdimensional travel doesn't mean we have to be lazy."

Both were very careful not to draw any attention to their new plaything as they arrived at the Chief's office. "Hey, chief!" Shawn greeted, startling not only Karen but detectives O'Hara and Lassiter, the latter already frowning at the mere presence of the two idiots. "Shawn! We expected you to be here in fifteen minutes!" Juliet commented what everyone else was already thinking. "Really? Time flies then. Anyways, what's the problem?"

"There is no problem, Spencer; you can go home now." Lassie stated under his breath. "Actually, there have been a couple of robberies that defy most laws of nature. The thieves appear on one frame with the money and then the next, they're gone. There are no signs of forced entry or use of any card keys." Jules explained, unknowingly describing Psych's newest toy.

Shawn thought over the situation and decided to say the wacky truth with, "I believe they are using portals." Everyone present processed that bit of information and Carlton asked, "What the hell are you talking about?" "They must've tapped into a power that is unimaginable to us mortals and used that power to rip open tears into the fabric of the space-time conundrum…" "Continuum," Gus quickly corrected to which Shawn replied, "I've heard it both ways. Anyways, the thieves used those aberrations to go back and forth between their safe houses to steal the loot!"

But once Shawn had everyone's attention, he used his own perception and spotted the real culprit; misplaced screws near the vent system. "Check the vaults again, there might be some residual from said portals! The spirits cannot be abused again! I beg of you!" Shawn pleaded and for added measure, knelt down grabbed on to Lassiter's leg. _Hmm, Lassie-lover smells extra sexy today…I might share the Portal gun with him…_

As soon as Vick dismissed them, Gus hurried to Shawn's side, deep worry in his face. "Shawn, we have to throw away that thing! It's an accessory to bank robbery!" "Relax Gusmeinster; the thieves were using the air ducts. Now if you'll excuse me; I have a police department to haunt." Shawn calmly replied while serving himself a glass of water. "Go on to your Pharmacomp position while I make the 6-o'clock news." The pseudo-psychic concluded while he began checking what other features the Portal gun had. "Just make sure to let me get to Psych before you start your shenanigans."

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After tracking down and arresting the bad guys (three former employees from the banks themselves), both detectives had begun to file their paperwork on their desks when Shawn sat on Juliet's desk. "Hi there Jules! You look like you've had one hell of a day," he greeted with a smile. "You don't know the half it; first, the evaluation board, then this robberies…" the blonde detective drifted off. "Then I do believe you deserve a cheesecake for all your hard work!" the younger Spencer concluded as he grabbed O'Hara's uniform hat. "Hey!"

Shawn stopped Juliet from getting her hat long enough to shoot a hand-sized portal into it. On the other side was the break room's fridge, where evidently Buzz McNabb had left his cheesecake untagged. Like a magician, the fake psychic pulled out the pastry complete with spoon from the hat, amusing Juliet and annoying Lassiter to no end. "Wow! How'd you do that?" "Gus is Magic Head for a reason…" Shawn concluded as he headed to his lover's desk.

"Amazing display, Spencer; not only are you a crackpot but you're also a children's entertainer." Carlton spat while finishing up his load of police reports. "Lassie dearest, all my powers have one and only one purpose in life; to serve and please you." Shawn said into the Head Detective's ear, causing the latter to blush profusely and a suitable distraction for the pseudo-psychic to shoot an orange portal under his desk. "Well why don't you can 'serve and please' somewhere else? I'm busy." Lassiter concluded before he risked getting a fire for Indecent Exposure. "Your wish is my command."

Shawn didn't go too far as he returned to the same closet he and Gus used to get to SBPD and shot the blue portal low enough that he'd have to crawl. At the exact moment the fake psych crossed over and reappeared underneath Lassie's desk, Buzz arrived at the same location to inform Lassiter of some trivial department matter.

_Let's see how long Lassie can keep it in his pants with me down here…_ Shawn grinned to himself as he slipped a hand into the older man's shirt. Topside, the Head Detective flinched for a moment at the sensation of such a touch while McNabb rolled on. Shawn slowly unbuttoned the guilty garment and, taking advantage at the fact that Lassie sat so close to the desk, began to place light kisses on his toned abdomen.

The involuntary movements were getting to be too much and Buzz finally asked, "Sir, are you all right?" His face red as a tomato, Lassie struggled but managed to say, "I'm fine but I would appreciate if you left the Robinson case on my desk as soon as possible." McNabb nodded and left in a huff while Carlton dove under his work area only to find it empty and the lower part of shirt undone.


	3. Eat Your Cake

A/N: The conclusion...or is it? Reviews are welcome! Disclaimer: _Psych _(c) USA, _Portal _(c) Valve  


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Part III-Eat Your Cake

Buzz McNabb wasn't so much superstitious but he was wary of not angering the spirit world. His new found curiosity came right around the time Shawn came in as 'psychic consultant'. But as he filed away the Robinson case, he could've sworn he heard someone sing a nonsensical song…

"_This was a triumph! I'm making a note here, huge success! It's hard to overstate my satisfaction…_" "Hello? Is anyone there?" he asked the supposedly empty room. Shawn withheld a snicker as he tossed a small grey cube to McNabb then recited in the most mechanical yet scary voice he could muster, "_The Companion Cube will not try to kill you for in fact, it cannot speak…_" The young cop picked up the object and yelled, "What do you want?!"

Shawn continued his haunt with "_But you may not leave this area with the Companion Cube so you may have to kill it. Do not worry for the Companion Cube will not feel your betrayal and will in fact forgive you._" Buzz quickly reacted and dropped the cube to the floor. "What would you like me to do? I don't know how to kill a Companion Cube or whatever it is!" "_You must incinerate it at your local incinerator…_" The patrol officer dashed to light the cardboard cube on fire and the fake psychic then decided to conclude this prank by stating, "_You are a horrible person. You killed your best friend, the Companion Cube. You do not deserve to be alive. We could've been friends. I will have to kill you now…_"

Terrified at the whole "getting killed by a vengeful ghost over a stupid cardboard cube", Buzz ran out of the Case file room, zooming past by a surprised Juliet. "Don't go in there! There's an insane ghost with a cube and ARGH!" McNabb yelled as he ran off for dear life, leaving Jules more than confused and Shawn bent over in laughter. The junior detective recognized the younger Spencer's laugh and stormed into a very much empty room.

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The second haunting was a bit more complicated to realize, since it involved breaking into a locker. "Easy solution, find my dad's old locker." Shawn thought out loud while applying the necessary fake blood and other bodily fluids. His goal was to appear as a severed head, using an appropriately-sized portal to set it off just right. Lo and behold, the locker, along with the combination, still remained in the police department. "2-34-12." Shawn recited as the unmistakable click of a successful lock crack rang.

The owner of the locker was none other than Interim Chief Karen Vick, causing Shawn to seriously consider this prank. _Damn! If I get caught, that's it for Psych! Then again, how could she possible figure it out?_ Shawn decided to go through with it for funsies; he quickly shot the orange portal at just the right time and acted the deadest he had ever done in his life.

With the bank robberies now a close case, Karen was looking forward to relaxing for a bit before picking up her daughter from babysitting. What she didn't expect was the head of Santa Barbara's psychic consultant stuffed inside her locker. She reacted with a quick shriek and slamming the locker door shut. "How is that possible?!" she tried to reason only to be interrupted by someone clearing their throat inside the compartment. "Umm, that one's easy."

Karen then breathed relieved that it had been a practical joke and was about to sold Spencer…until she realized that her locker, along with the others in its row, lay against a solid brick wall. The Chief of Police slowly opened her locker door and, much to her surprise, found it empty. As a result, she rubbed her temples and said to herself, "I need some sleep…"

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The final haunting was guaranteed to be a riot (in more ways than one). Dressing up as some murder victim, Shawn thought to himself, "This better be worth it…of course it's going to be." He hid the Portal gun just enough that no one could see it but he could still fire it. The fake psychic then played up the best ghost face and walk as he shot first pair of portals…

Andrew "Butcher" King was sitting in his jail cell, along with other petty and dangerous criminals, when he heard a bell ring thirteen times. A ghastly vision of a man brutally murdered slowly made its way to the entrance of the holding cells. The lights faltered as this man crawled on the floor all the while moaning and lamenting its death rattle _'You killed me….'_

Not a single man could keep his brave face as they watched the 'dead man' slither through the floor and, to their eternal fright, disappeared into the walls. All five grown men present started screaming their heads off by the time Det. Lassiter showed up. "What the hell is going on?!" he yelled to establish order. "Some freaky shit just crawled in here!" Andrew bellowed before unknowingly confessing, "It's Manny! I killed him!"

"Well, look at that! I helped out after all!" Shawn smirked as he removed his costume, threw it in the nearest dumpster and walked to a McDonalds close by. He looked at the Portal gun and decided not to turn it in just yet (he'd turn it in the next century, if he lived that long). He had one more thing to do…

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After calming the riot and processing Andrew King for the murder of Manny Turner, Lassiter was exhausted. He dismissed McNabb and the Chief's accounts of a haunting as lack of sleep but he couldn't right away explain what happened to him at his desk. "Somehow, Spencer managed to weasel his way under my desk and found a way out…" he told himself as he arrived at his home.

The lights were off and there was no evidence of anyone breaking into his home or even using the spare key to get in. But as the Head Detective found out once he entered his bathroom, somehow Shawn appeared in his shower, fully clothed and a grin that rivaled the Cheshire cat's. "Hello, Lassie…" the fake psychic greeted before jumping Lassiter and practically smothered him with passionate kisses.

End!


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